for  th 


MANNERS 

for  the 

METROPOLIS 


MANNERS 


METROPOLIS 


An  Entrance  Key  to  the 

Fantastic  Life  of 

The  400 


BY 
FRANCIS  W.  CROWNINSHIELD 


DECORATIONS  BY 
LOUIS  FANCHER 


NEW  YORK 

D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY 
1908 


COPYRIGHT,  1908,  BY 
D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY 


COPYRIGHT,  1908,  BY 
THE  METROPOLITAN  MAGAZINE  COMPANY 


Published,  October,  1908 


TO 
H.    S.     C. 


CONTENTS 


FOREWORD 3 

COUNTRY  HOUSES 9 

CONVERSATION 27 

DINNERS 35 

DANCES 53 

BRIDGE 65 

THE  THEATER 85 

CALLING        .........  91 

OUR  COUNTRY  COUSINS    ...       .       .       .  95 

NEWPORT      .       .       .       .       .       .       .       .       .  103 

GENERAL  RULES 113 


LIST   OF   ILLUSTRATIONS 


FACING 
PAGE 


TIPS Frontispiece 

CONVERSATION       ........  28 

HOSTESS *       .       .  60 

BRIDGE     .       .       .       .       ,      .       .       «      *      .  78 


FOREWORD 


FOREWORD 

IT  is  undeniable  that  much  of  the  pleasure 
in  modern  life  is  derived  from  social  inter- 
course. 

From  time  immemorial  the  gregarious  in- 
stinct has  contributed  greatly  to  the  charm  of 
all  populated  regions.  It  is  worthy  of  re- 
mark that,  during  the  past  decade,  both  in 
America  and  in  England,  sudden  and  violent 
changes  have  somewhat  ruffled  the  placid 
waters  of  polite  society.  These  new  condi- 
tions of  life  have  naturally  necessitated  new 
methods  of  social  procedure.  The  telephone, 
coeducation,  wireless  telegraphy,  motor  cars, 
millionaires,  bridge  whist,  women's  rights, 
Sherry's,  cocktails,  four-day  liners,  pianolas, 
steam  heat,  directoire  gowns,  dirigible  bal- 

3 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

loons,  and  talking  machines  have  all  contrib- 
uted to  an  astonishing  social  metamorphosis. 

Curiously  enough  no  book  of  etiquette  has 
taken  count  of  these  violent  changes.  There 
is  literally  no  Baedeker  for  this  newly  discov- 
ered country.  Many  fruitful  and  enchanted 
islands  have  been  sighted,  but  have,  alas,  re- 
mained uncharted. 

It  is,  therefore,  with  motives  of  generosity, 
charity,  and  kindness  that  this  little  guide  has 
been  prepared  by  the  benevolent  author. 

It  will  be  found  to  contain  concise  rules  of 
deportment  for  all  the  more  important  social 
ceremonies — from  a  tete-a-tete  to  a  betrothal, 
a  picnic  to  a  funeral,  a  partie-carree  to  a 
divorce,  an  ushers'  dinner  to  a  Turkish  bath, 
and  a  piano  recital  to  a  rout.  It  also  contains 
excellent  advice  on  the  choice  of  a  motor  car, 
a  summer  residence,  a  wife,  or  a  brand  of 
cigar. 

The  author  feels  that  it  should  prove  of 
great  value  to  those  people  who  have  been 
4 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

born  and  brought  up  in  refined  and  well-bred 
families,  and  are,  at  the  same  time,  desirous 
of  entering  fashionable  society. 

To  our  newer  millionaires  and  plutocrats 
it  should  be  a  very  present  help  in  time  of 
trouble,  for  it  is  undeniable  that  many  of 
these  captains  of  industry — however  strong 
and  virile  their  natures — become  utterly  help- 
less and  panic-stricken  at  the  mere  sight  of  a 
gold  finger  bowl,  an  alabaster  bath,  a  pronged 
oyster  fork,  or  the  business  end  of  an  as- 
paragus. 


COUNTRY   HOUSES 


COUNTRY   HOUSES 

A  COUNTRY  HOUSE  is  an  establish- 
ment  maintained  by  people  of  wealth  and  po- 
sition who  have  banished  from  their  home 
circle  the  old  ideas  of  family  life :  the  hearth- 
side,  the  romping  little  ones,  and  the  studious 
evenings  under  the  red  lamp. 

^y% 

JL  HERE  is  so  much  that  is  pleasurable  in  a 
house  party  at  such  an  establishment  that  it 
is  difficult  to  say  which  part  of  it  is  the  most 
delightful.  It  is  thrilling  to  receive  the  invi- 
tation; the  journey  there  is  full  of  an  ex- 
pectant pleasure;  the  sport  is  invigorating; 
the  meals  are  usually  palatable;  the  society 
agreeable.  On  the  whole,  however,  perhaps 

9 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

the  most  welcome  part  of  it  all  is  the  mo- 
ment of  departure. 


J\T  a  week-end  party,  when  the  servant 
calls  you  in  the  morning  and  informs  you 
that  your  bath  is  running,  it  is  modish  to 
sink  off  to  sleep  and  allow  the  bath  to  over- 
flow. As  soon  as  you  are  wide  awake  make 
certain  to  turn  off  the  electric  light  and  de- 
mand from  the  servant  a  brandy  and  soda. 
After  this  bracer  you  may  light  a  cigarette 
and  send  the  footman  for  breakfast  and  a 
cigar.  It  is  also  a  wise  precaution  to  ask  for 
all  the  morning  papers  —  otherwise  the  other 
guests  may  secure  some  of  them. 

^j^ 

XT  is  usual   for  the  bachelors  to   dawdle 

about  in  their  riding  things  until  lunch   is 

announced.    They  can  then  go  to  their  rooms, 

10 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

take  their  baths,  and  change.  This  puts  off 
the  agony  of  the  lunch  —  which  is  always  a 
tiresome  meal. 


v_jO  up  early  to  dress  for  dinner,  or  the 
other  guests  will  have  drawn  off  all  the  hot 
water  for  their  own  baths. 

&^% 

AFTER  a  week-end  visit  it  is  customary  to 
write  your  hostess  a  "  bread-and-butter  let- 
ter," or  "  pleaser."  The  following  note  will 
be  found  a  safe  guide  for  such  an  occasion. 

MY  DEAR  MRS.  WEEKENDE: 

How  kind  you  were  to  open  the  gates 
of  Heaven  and  give  me  that  little 
glimpse  of  Paradise.  Would  you  be 
good  enough  to  ask  the  valet  to  send  me 
my  cap?  Perhaps,  too,  the  footman 
could  forward  my  golf  clubs,  which  I 
II 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

entirely  overlooked  in  the  hurry  of  de- 
parture. If  not  too  much  trouble,  per- 
haps you  will  ask  the  maid  to  express 
me  my  sponge  bag,  listerine,  and  razor 
strop. 

With  renewed  thanks,  I  am,  dear 
Mrs.  Weekende, 

Yours  sincerely, 

PERCY  VANDERFORT. 

P.  S. — I  am  returning  to  you,  by  ex- 
press, the  woodland  violet  bath  salt, 
the  photograph  frame,  the  bedroom 
clock,  the  silver  brushes,  the  hot-water 
bag,  and  the  two  sachet  cases  which 
your  servant  mistook  for  my  property. 


W  HEN  you  are  visiting  in  the  country 
and  your  hostess  maintains  a  very  small  es- 
tablishment, the  servant  may  ask  you,  on 
awaking  you,  what  you  desire  for  breakfast. 

12 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

Out  of  consideration  for  your  hostess  you 
should  ask  for  a  very  small  and  very  simple 
breakfast.  Try  to  confine  yourself  to  grape 
fruit,  oatmeal,  bacon  and  eggs,  corn  bread, 
chicken  mince,  marmalade,  coffee,  honey,  hot 
biscuits,  and  orange  juice. 


A  ARLOR  tricks  are  great  assets  in  a  week- 
ender. The  most  popular  are  moving  the 
scalp  and  ears,  cracking  the  knuckles,  dis- 
jointing the  thumbs,  standing  on  the  head, 
tearing  a  pack  of  cards,  and  dancing  a  cake 
walk. 

w|% 

WHEN  the  host  offers,  after  breakfast, 
to  show  you  over  the  farm,  gasp,  and  men- 
tion your  rheumatism.  Almost  any  lie  is  per- 
missible to  prevent  so  terrible  a  catastrophe. 

13 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

1  OUNG  girls,  when  visiting  at  a  house 
party,  should  be  quiet  and  gentle,  well  be- 
haved and  agreeable  ;  but  when  at  home  there 
is  no  reason  why  they  should  not  be  perfectly 
natural. 


JL  HE  horrors  of  the  guest  room  are  too 
well  known  to  need  enumeration,  and  can  sel- 
dom be  ameliorated.  They  are,  roughly,  as 
follows:  The  embroidered  pillow  slips,  the 
egg-finished  sheets,  the  drawer  of  the  bureau 
that  is  warped  and  will  not  open,  the  rusty 
pins  in  the  stony  pincushion,  the  empty  cut- 
glass  cologne  bottles,  the  blinds  that  bang  in 
the  night,  the  absence  of  hooks  on  which  to 
hang  your  razor  strop,  the  pictures  of  the 
"  Huguenot  Lovers  "  and  Landseer's  "  Sanct- 
uary "  over  the  headboard  of  the  bed,  the 
tendency  of  the  maid  to  hide  the  matches, 
the  dear  little  children  in  the  nursery  above 
14 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

you,  the  dead  fly  in  the  dried-up  ink  well, 
and  the  hidden  radiator  under  the  sofa. 


W  HEN  you  spend  Sunday  in  the  country, 
the  proper  schedule  of  tips  for  the  servants 
is  as  follows: 

Chauffeur    $10.00 

Butler 10.00 

Coachman 5.00 

Footman 3.00 

Valet 5.00 

Cook nothing 

Maid ' 2.00 

Chambermaid 2.00 

Strapper    i.oo 

Groom  .  2.00 


Total $40.00 

Should  you,  however,  have  but  $30  with 
you,  you  have  but  to  take  a  very  early  train, 

15 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

in  which  case  the  butler  will  not  have  ap- 
peared, and  there  will  be  no  necessity  to  tip 
him.  The  resourceful  bachelor  may  also  de- 
cide to  compensate  the  maid,  if  she  be  pretty, 
by  a  few  pleasant  words  of  appreciation  as 
to  her  beauty  and  by  chucking  her  under  the 
chin,  as  is  invariably  done  on  the  stage  in 
comic  opera. 

If  your  visit  has  been  for  a  week,  the  above 
table  of  tips  should  be  disregarded.  At  the 
end  of  such  a  visit  you  had  best  hand  the 
housekeeper  a  letter  of  introduction  to  your 
lawyer,  together  with  a  list  of  your  securities, 
and  allow  her  to  sue  your  estate  for  the  gra- 
tuities. 

(If  you  are  from  Pittsburg,  care  should  be 
taken  to  double  the  above  table  of  tips.) 


J.  HE  dressing  gong  is  sometimes  meant  to 

convey  the  impression  that  dinner  will  shortly 

16 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

be  served  in  the  banqueting  hall.  Usually, 
however,  it  is  the  signal  for  everybody  to 
begin  a  new  rubber. 


JL  RY  to  go  early  to  the  stables  and  select  a 
good  riding  horse  for  the  rest  of  your  visit. 
There  are  seldom  more  than  two  good  ones. 
The  rest  are  usually  roarers  or  crocks. 


A  HE  hostess  at  a  large  country  house  is 
naturally  expected  to  provide  all  the  week- 
end essentials  —  i.  e.,  liquors,  cigars,  food, 
carriages  —  and  motors  in  condition.  Besides 
these,  however,  she  should  never  neglect  to 
offer  her  guests  certain  little  added  comforts 
without  which  they  would,  very  naturally,  be 
miserable.  Every  guest  should  be  supplied, 
therefore,  with  the  following  articles:  a  bot- 
tle of  listerine,  a  cloth  cap,  a  tennis  bat,  a 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

hot-water  bag,  a  pair  of  motor  goggles,  a 
bag  of  golf  clubs,  a  sweater,  six  tennis  balls, 
a  bathroom,  with  needle  shower  (exclusive), 
a  bathrobe,  a  pair  of  slippers,  a  pair  of  ten- 
nis shoes,  a  bathing  suit,  a  box  of  cigarettes 
(fifty  in  a  box),  a  set  of  diabolo  sticks,  a 
riding  and  driving  horse,  a  fur  overcoat,  an 
umbrella,  a  bottle  of  eau  de  cologne,  and  a 
box  of  postage  stamps. 

w']% 

VjrUESTS  are  always  invited  from  Friday 
night  to  Monday  morning.  It  is  wiser  for 
the  hostess  to  mention  the  Monday  trains, 
or  one  of  the  guests  may  decide  to  stop 
longer.  This  is  seldom  a  wise  plan.  Host- 
esses should  clear  the  house  of  all  guests 
before  the  three-day  limit.  Remember  the 
Spanish  proverb,  "  El  huesped  y  el  pece  a 
tres  dias  hiede,"  which,  being  translated, 
means,  "  Any  guest,  like  any  fish,  is  bound  to 
be  objectionable  on  the  third  day." 
18 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

AN  certain  country  houses  the  architect  has 
neglected  to  supply  bathrooms  for  each  of 
the  guests.  In  some  extreme  cases  as  many 
as  three  bachelors  are  expected  to  share  one 
bath.  This  is  bad. 

The  best  way  to  maneuver  under  such  cir- 
cumstances is  to  send  your  servant  early  to 
the  bathroom  and  let  him  lock  himself  in. 
This  will  foil  the  invaders.  When  he  hears 
your  special  knock  on  the  door,  he  can  open 
to  you,  and  you  can  then  bathe,  take  a  nap 
in  the  bath,  shave,  smoke  a  cigarette,  and 
read  the  papers  in  quiet. 

w^% 

a  house  party  every  lady  of  promi- 
nence is  sure  to  bring  at  least  one  Pomeranian 
dog.  Many  think  it  wiser  to  bring  a  black 
and  a  brown,  so  that,  no  matter  what  gown 
they  may  wear,  one  of  the  darlings  is  sure  not 
to  clash  with  it.  These  pets  are,  of  course, 
19 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

extremely  expensive.  A  smart  week-end  on 
the  Hudson  will  usually  average  about  six 
thousand  dollars'  worth  of  Poms. 


IN  nearly  all  guest  rooms  the  hostess  is  sure 
to  provide  white  enamel  writing  desks,  chif- 
foniers, and  tables.  By  leaving  lighted  ciga- 
rettes on  such  articles  of  furniture  you  are 
almost  certain  to  secure  a  very  curious  and 
amusing  stain,  or  burn.  Sometimes,  if  your 
visit  is  long  enough,  you  can  etch,  in  this 
way,  a  complete  pattern  around  a  fair-sized 
table.  The  Greek  fret  and  egg-and-dart  de- 
signs are  neat  and  extremely  popular. 


JL  HE  passage  through  a  country  house  of 
the  framed  photograph  of  a  friend  is  often 
an  instructive  spectacle  to  witness.  Such  a 
trophy  usually  begins  its  career  in  the  draw- 

20 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

ing-room.  It  is  then  moved  to  the  library, 
and  subsequently  to  the  smoking  room.  After 
that  it  begins  a  heavenly  flight  into  one  of 
the  guest  rooms,  from  which  place  it  ascends 
on  its  last  earthly  pilgrimage  to  the  attic. 


J.  HE  English  have  rather  a  clever  way  of 

"  chucking  "  a  week-end  engagement  in  the 

country.     They  merely  telegraph  as  follows: 

"  Impossible  to  come  to-day  :  lie  follows 

by  mail." 


unprotected  lady  should  be  careful  not 
to  employ  convivial  or  tippling  butlers.  We 
are  acquainted  with  a  widow  who  was  re- 
cently petrified  with  horror  when  her  drunk- 
en butler  entered  her  sleeping  apartment  in 
the  dead  of  the  night  and  proceeded  to  lay 
the  table  for  six  —  upon  her  bed. 
21 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 


morning  in  the  country  is  usu- 
ally rainy.  This  is  invariably  the  fault  of 
the  hostess.  When  you  descend  in  the  morn- 
ing, look  at  her  reproachfully;  mention  the 
rain;  remark  on  the  fact  that  it  has  always 
rained  when  you  have  visited  her  before;  sink 
hopelessly  on  a  sofa,  and  sigh. 


X"lOSTESSES  very  often  have  a  distressing 
way  of  asking  you  how  you  slept.  Under 
such  circumstances  it  is  permissible  to  speak 
the  truth  and  to  mention,  quite  frankly,  the 
mosquitoes  and  the  topographical  whimsical- 
ities of  your  bed. 

^y^ 

AN  a  country  house,  if  you  find,  on  going 
up  to  your  room  to  dress  for  dinner,  that  no 
studs  have  been  put  into  your  evening  shirt, 
complain  at  once  to  the  stud  groom. 
22 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

13 E WARE  of  inviting  fashionable  bachel- 
ors for  the  week-end  unless  you  maintain  an 
adequate  menage.  The  recent  and  distress- 
ing case  of  a  lady  (with  but  one  spare  room 
and  a  very  small  establishment)  may  serve  as 
a  terrible  example. 

Her  visitor  arrived  rather  late  on  a  rainy 
night.  His  belongings  looked  like  those  of 
a  traveling  theatrical  company,  and  included 
one  forty  horse  power  Mercedes  car,  a  Swiss 
valet,  a  violin  case,  one  trunk,  two  hat  boxes, 
five  pounds  of  bonbons,  a  fur  overcoat,  a  pho- 
tographic camera,  a  bag  of  golf  clubs,  a  talk- 
ing machine,  two  boxes  of  health  cocoa,  an 
Austrian  chauffeur,  an  oxygen  jar,  two  polo 
ponies,  an  air  cushion,  a  wire-haired  fox  ter- 
rier, and  a  box  of  one  hundred  clay  pigeons. 


CONVERSATION 


CONVERSATION 

JL  HE  conversation  at  a  club  should  be  sim- 
ple and  conventional.  It  is  vulgar  to  go  into 
long  or  prolix  discussions.  Only  a  few  re- 
marks are  comme  II  faut,  such  as  "  Hello  !  " 
"Deuced  cold!"  "Have  a  drink?"  "Who 
has  a  cigar?"  "How  about  one  rubber?" 
Perhaps  the  safest  and  most  refined  remark 
for  constant  use  is  :  "  Waiter,  take  the  or- 
ders." Even  this  may  be  dispensed  with  — 
if  you  make  certain  to  ring  the  bell. 


IT  is  not  modish  to  speak  kindly  to  the 

servants  either  in  your  own  or  in  other  peo- 

ple's houses.  In  addressing  them,  simply  say  : 

27 


"A  napkin,"  "The  cigars,"  "Where  the 
devil  are  my  boots?"  Remember  that  they 
"  get  even  "  in  the  servants'  hall. 

^jw 

IT  is  customary,  in  alluding  to  ladies  in  the 
ultra-fashionable  set  (provided  they  are  not 
present)  to  speak  of  them  by  their  pet 
names  :  "  Birdie,"  "  Baby,"  "  Tessie," 
"  Posy";  but,  when  face  to  face  with  these 
ladies,  the  utmost  formality  had  best  be  ob- 
served. 


AN  criticising  a  play  or  a  novel  be  careful  to 
avoid  long  and  discriminating  criticisms.  You 
should  either  "  knock  "  or  "  boost."  Try  to 
remember  that  there  are  only  two  kinds  of 
plays  or  novels  —  they  are  either  "  bully  "  or 
"  rotten." 

28 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

J.F  a  few  people  in  the  smart  set  are  enter- 
taining a  stranger  at  lunch,  it  is  de  rigueur 
for  them  to  converse  with  each  other  entirely 
in  whispers  and  always  on  subjects  with 
which  he  is  absolutely  unfamiliar. 

&J% 

IN  discussing  literature  at  a  lunch  or  din- 
ner, try  to  remember  that  there  are  but  a  very 
few  fashionable  authors.  They  are  as  fol- 
lows: Mrs.  Wharton,  Colonel  Mann,  Mrs. 
Glyn,  Robert  Hichens,  F.  Peter  Dunne,  John 
Fox,  Jr.,  and  Billy  Baxter. 


a  dinner  a  gentleman  sitting  beside  a 
debutante  should  congratulate  her  upon  her 
debut,    and,    in    a    few    well-chosen    words, 
should  discuss  the  usual  debutante  topics  — 
29 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

i.  e.,  platonic  love,  banting,  Ethel  Barrymore, 
French  dressmakers,  John  Drew,  the  relative 
merits  of  Harvard  and  Yale,  love  at  first 
sight,  the  football  match  and  the  matter  of 
her  great  personal  beauty  and  charm. 

Try  always  to  remember  that  the  chief  and 
most  interesting  topics  of  conversation  are 
herself  and  yourself.  Serious  topics  are  very 
properly  deemed  out  of  place  in  society. 

^j^ 

,/lLFTER  dinner,  over  the  cigars,  it  is  bad 
form  for  men  to  discuss  any  subjects  but 
stocks  and  motor  cars. 


\V  HENEVER,  at  a  dinner,  an  anecdote 
is  narrated  in  French,  it  is  always  a  wise  pre- 
caution to  laugh  heartily. 

3° 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

W  OMEN  should  not  complain  of  their 
husbands  in  public.  All  married  women  have 
a  great  deal  to  contend  with.  Everybody 
knows  that  married  men  make  very  poor 
husbands. 

&J% 


a  dinner  the  safest  conversational  open- 
ing is  as  follows:  "Is  that  your  bread,  or 
mine?" 


WHEN,  at  a  dinner,  you  don't  know  the 
lady  next  to  you,  show  her  your  dinner  card 
and  say: 

"I'm  that;  what  are  you?" 


CiHIVALRY  demands  that  a  lady's  name 
should  never  be  mentioned  in  a  gentleman's 

31 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

club.  Occasionally,  however,  this  hard-and- 
fast  rule  may  be  slightly  infracted,  and  her 
intimate  affairs  discreetly  talked  over — pro- 
vided that  the  group  of  gentlemen  be  a  small 
one  and  absolute  privacy  assured. 

N.  B. — A  "  small  group  "  is  any  group  of 
less  than  twelve. 


DINNERS 


DINNERS 

A.  DINNER  is  a  miscellaneous  collection  of 
appropriately  dressed  men  and  women,  who 
are  not  in  the  least  hungry  and  who  are  in- 
vited by  the  host  and  hostess  to  repay  cer- 
tain social  obligations  for  value  received  or 
expected.  The  attitude  of  the  guests  at  such 
a  repast  is  very  often  one  of  regret  and  re- 
volt, because  of  the  haunting  memory  of  an 
invitation,  much  more  enticing  in  its  pros- 
pects, but,  alas,  more  recently  received. 

WJ^ 

V-lN  arriving  at  a  dinner  a  servant  should 

hand  each  male  guest  an  envelope  containing 

a  card.    This  card  will  bear  the  name  of  the 

35 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

lady  whom  he  is  to  take  in  to  dinner.  This 
part  of  the  ceremony  is  usually  accompanied 
by  groans  and  maledictions  as  the  gentlemen 
tremblingly  open  their  envelopes. 

Some  hostesses  allow  their  guests  to  file 
in  to  dinner  in  ignorance  of  their  partners. 
They  thus  learn  their  fate  at  the  dinner  table, 
which  postpones  the  terrible  shock  for  as 
long  a  period  as  possible. 


JNI  OTHING  adds  so  much  to  an  appear- 
ance of  savoir  faire  as  the  art  of  gracefully 
removing  from  a  dinner  or  evening  party  a 
gentleman  who  has  imbibed,  not  wisely  but 
too  well.  The  correct  method  is  to  ask  the 
butler  to  inform  him  that  a  lady  wishes  to 
speak  to  him  on  the  telephone.  When  he 
has  left  the  room,  spring  upon  him  in  the 
hall  and  chivy  him  into  a  cab. 

36 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

JA.OUGE  sticks  and  powder  puffs  may  be 
used  by  ladies  at  luncheons,  but  never  at  din- 
ners. 

^y% 

J.F  a  bachelor  receives  a  dinner  invitation 
from  people  who  are  not  really  "  in  the 
swim"  (people,  let  us  say,  like  old  friends, 
classmates,  and  business  associates,  who  are, 
so  to  speak,  "  on  the  green,  but  not  dead  to 
the  hole  "),  he  should  simply  toss  it  into  the 
fire.  This  plan  will  prevent  any  more  invita- 
tions from  so  undesirable  a  quarter.  Were 
he  to  answer  these  people  politely,  they  would 
certainly  annoy  him  again  at  a  later  date. 
Remember  that  "  the  coward  does  it  with  a 
kiss,  the  brave  man  with  a  sword." 

.L/O  not  address  your  best  thoughts  to  the 
ladies  until  they  have  had  an  opportunity  to 

37 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

brush  the  glove  powder  from  their  arms  and 
to  look  carefully  at  the  dresses  and  orna- 
ments of  the  other  ladies  at  the  dinner. 


&J% 


a  very  large  dinner,  the  lady  beside 
you  is  almost  certain  to  be  one  who  entertains 
generously  and,  as  such,  should  be  treated 
with  a  certain  degree  of  politeness.  Try  to 
suppress,  however,  all  sentiments  purely 
human  in  their  nature,  such  as  pity,  kindness 
of  heart,  sympathy,  enthusiasm,  love  of 
books,  music,  and  art. 

These  ridiculous  sentiments  are  in  exceed- 
ingly bad  taste  and  should  be  used  but  spar- 
ingly, if  at  all. 

wj% 

JL/ADIES  do  not  call  upon  a  bachelor,  in 
his  rooms,  after  attending  a  dinner  given  by 
him  —  except  in  Mrs.  Wharton's  novels. 
38 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 


leaving  a  dinner  you  should  always 
manage  to  come  down  the  steps  with  a  group 
of  the  super-rich  —  they  may  give  you  a  lift 
home. 


V-/N  driving  home  with  friends  from  a  din- 
ner, it  is  the  generally  accepted  practice  to 
abuse  the  host  and  draw  particular  attention 
to  his  ghastly  collection  of  family  portraits, 
his  wretched  plate,  and  execrable  food.  Do 
not  fail  also  to  draw  a  moving  picture  of  the 
stupidity  and  hideousness  of  the  lady  next  to 
you  at  dinner  —  unless  she  should  be  in  the 
carriage  with  you  at  the  time. 


WHEN  you  are  over  half  an  hour  late 
at  a  dinner  it  is  well  to  have  an  excuse.    There 
are,    just    now,    only   two    modish    excuses: 
4  39 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

First,  you  were  arrested  for  speeding  your 
motor;  second,  you  were  playing  bridge,  and 
every  hand  seemed  to  be  a  spade  or  a  club. 


W  HEN  a  gentleman  at  a  dinner  upsets  a 
plate  of  terrapin,  a  ruddy  duck,  or  a  bowl  of 
vegetable  salad  upon  the  dress  of  the  lady 
beside  him,  she  should  laugh  merrily  and 
should  always  be  provided  with  some  apt  jest 
with  which  to  carry  off  the  little  contre- 
temps. 


have  lately  added  a 
new  horror  to  dining  out.  These  strange 
creatures  seldom  repay  attention.  The  best 
that  can  be  expected  from  them  is  the  tense 
and  awful  silence  which  always  accompanies 
their  excruciating  tortures  of  mastication. 
40 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

J.  HERE  are  two  recherche  methods  for  a 
bachelor  to  refuse  a  verbal  dinner  invitation. 
The  first  is  to  say  that  you  are  dining  with  a 
business  associate.  The  second  is  to  say  that 
your  engagement  book  is  at  home  and  that 
you  will  consult  it  immediately  upon  reaching 
there  and  will  telephone.  This  gives  you  the 
desired  opportunity  of  saying  "  No."  It  is 
always  easier  over  the  wire  than  face  to  face. 


AN  wriggling  out  of  a  dinner  at  the  last 
moment  in  New  York,  it  is  chic  to  invent 
some  mythical  female  relative  in  Philadelphia 
who  has  developed  a  sudden  and  alarming 
illness  and  has  hastily  summoned  you  to  her 
bedside. 

vfj% 

AF,  at  a  dinner,  food  is  passed  to  you  which 

you  do  not  care  to  eat,  it  is  good  form  to 

41 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

take  a  generous  heap  of  it,  to  pat  it  and  mess 
it  up  on  your  plate  with  a  fork. 


./\.FTER  dinner,  if  a  lady  has  been  asked  to 
sing  and  refused,  do  not  urge  her  further. 
It  is  the  height  of  bad  manners,  and  there  is 
just  the  off  chance  that  she  may  yield. 


J.N  England  the  matter  of  precedence  at 
dinners  is  simplicity  itself.  The  Sovereign 
precedes  an  ambassador,  who  precedes  the 
Archbishop  of  Canterbury,  who  precedes  the 
Earl  Marshal,  who  precedes  a  duke,  who 
precedes  an  earl,  a  marquis,  a  viscount,  a 
bishop,  a  baron,  etc.  ;  but  in  America  the 
matter  is  a  much  more  perplexing  one. 

The  author  of  this  brochure  respectfully 
suggests  the  following  scheme  of  American 
42 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

dinner  precedence :  Let  an  opera  box  count  6 
points ;  steam  yacht,  5  ;  town  house,  5 ;  coun- 
try house,  4;  motors,  3  each;  every  million 
dollars,  2 ;  tiara,  I ;  good  wine  cellar,  i ;  ball- 
room in  town  house,  i ;  a  known  grandparent 
of  either  sex,  |;  culture,  £.  By  this  system, 
a  woman  of  culture  with  four  known  grand- 
parents and  a  million  dollars  will  have  a  total 
of  4|.  She  will,  of  course,  be  forced  to 
follow  in  the  wake  of  a  lady  with  a  town 
house  and  a  tiara  (6)  ;  who,  in  turn,  will  trail 
after  a  woman  with  a  steam  yacht  and  two 
motors  ( 1 1 ) .  The  highest  known  total  is 
about  100;  the  lowest,  about  -J.  The  house- 
keeper may  arrange  the  totals,  and  the  hostess 
can  then  send  the  guests  in  according  to  their 
listed  quotations. 

^|^ 

JL  EOPLE  who  arrive  late  at  a  large  dinner 
sometimes  have  very  quaint  and  amusing  ex- 

43 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

cuses.  A  hostess  at  a  recent  eight-o'clock  ban- 
quet collected  the  following  gems: 

I  overslept  in  my  bath. 

A  cinder  lodged  in  my  eye  and  I  have  just 
come  from  the  chemist's. 

My  maid  is  ill  and  I  was  forced  to  hook 
myself. 

The  twins  put  crumbs  in  my  stockings. 

I  read  your  invitation  upside  down  and, 
naturally,  mistook  the  hour  of  dinner. 

I  never  eat  soup,  and  thought,  of  course, 
you  wouldn't  wait. 

I  knew  Mrs.  V — t  would  be  much  later 
than  I — so  I  took  a  chance. 

I  was  taking  my  memory  lesson,  and  it 
was  all  so  absorbing  that  I  completely  forgot 
the  dinner. 

I  lost  your  note,  and,  as  everybody  dines 
at  8.30,  I  thought,  of  course,  that  you  would. 

My  chauffeur  was  so  drunk  that  he  took 
me  next  door  by  mistake,  and  delayed  me 
fearfully. 

44 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

JtLVERY  year  it  is  becoming  more  and  more 
difficult  for  hostesses  to  secure  a  sufficient 
number  of  blades  for  their  dinners  and  even- 
ing routs.  "  Odd  men  "  are  always  in  tre- 
mendous demand. 

The  custom  of  shouting  names,  which  is 
imperfectly  followed  at  the  hotels,  should  be 
perfected  in  our  clubs,  and  we  hope  soon  to 
see  the  club  waiters  wandering  about  the 
halls  and  lounging  rooms  shouting  out,  as 
they  go :  "  Mrs.  Vanderlip,  four  odd  men 
for  dinner."  "  Mrs.  Miles,  two  bachelors 
for  the  opera."  "  Mrs.  Nestor,  one  married 
couple  for  bridge,"  etc. 

^J^ 

W  HEN  a  lady  beside  you  is  so  generously 
avoirdupoised  or  embonpointed  that  it  is  a 
physical  impossibility  for  her  to  see  the  food 
upon  her  plate,  it  is  sometimes  an  act  of  kind- 
ness to  inform  her  as  to  the  nature  of  the 
45 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

bird  or  beast  so  hopelessly  removed  from  her 
vision.  This  saves  her  the  trouble  of  lifting 
it  above  the  horizon  in  order  to  discover  its 
exact  species. 


A  CLEVER  hostess  in  New  York  has  re- 
cently trained  a  highly  intelligent  dachshund 
to  fly  about  after  dinner,  under  the  banquet 
table,  and  fetch  out  the  long  white  gloves, 
make-up  boxes,  scarves,  and  lace  handker- 
chiefs. Most  hostesses,  however,  prefer  to 
put  their  guests  on  the  scent  and  let  them 
retrieve  the  hidden  treasures. 


FRANTIC  hostess  recently  telephoned 
us  for  advice  on  a  nice  point  of  social  eti- 
quette. She  had  arranged  a  dinner  of  twelve, 
and  was  confronted  and  confounded,  at  the 
last  moment,  by  an  "  odd  "  bachelor  whom 
46 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

she  had  originally  invited  and  subsequently 
forgotten.  She  could  not  sit  down  thirteen  at 
the  table. 

"What  shall  I  do?"  she  asked. 

We  were  glad  to  be  able  to  come  to  the 
distressed  lady's  assistance  and  telephoned 
her  as  follows : 

'  You  should  hand  him  a  neatly  folded 
dollar  bill  and  ask  him  to  slip  out  quietly  and 
buy  himself  a  good  dinner  at  a  corner  restau- 
rant. Your  butler  may  also  give  him  a  cigar 
as  he  passes  into  the  night." 


IF  you  are  giving  a  supper  after  the  play, 
it  is  de  rigueur  to  order  grape  fruit,  hot  bouil- 
lon, champagne,  birds,  a  salad,  and  a  sweet. 
The  sated  guests  will  not  touch  any  of  the 
food,  but  it  is  comme  il  faut  to  put  it  all  be- 
fore them. 

47 


J3 ANTING  has  almost  done  away  with  the 
ancient  custom  of  eating,  but  thyroid  tablets 
and  lemon  juice  are,  of  course,  permitted.  At 
a  ladies'  lunch  the  guests  (whether  ladies, 
millionairesses,  or  workingwomen)  should  be 
careful  disdainfully  to  dismiss  the  dainty 
dishes  until  the  repast  is  over,  when  they 
should  look  benignly  at  the  hostess  and 
murmur : 

"  Dear  Mrs.  Brown — might  I  have  a  cup 
of  very  hot  water?  " 


W  HEN  a  lady  must  pay  back  forty  din- 
ner obligations  and  her  dining  room  will 
seat  only  twenty,  it  is  obvious  that  she  must 
have  two  dinners  of  twenty  each.  She  should 
give  the  feasts  on  successive  evenings,  as  the 
left-over  flowers,  bonbons,  fruits,  and  pates 
will  always  do  service  at  the  second  repast. 
48 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

J\  LADY  should  be  careful  not  to  turn  to 
the  gentleman  beside  her  and  complain  of  the 
"  fizz."  There  is  always  a  good  chance  that 
he  is  the  wine  agent. 


WHEN,  in  New  York,  a  married  couple 
do  not  pull  along  together,  and  have  defi- 
nitely decided  to  divorce  or  separate,  it  is 
customary  for  them  once  or  twice  to  dine, 
tete-a-tete,  at  Sherry's:  to  flirt,  laugh,  and 
make  merry  with  each  other  —  in  order  to  put 
the  eager  hounds  off  the  scent. 


A.T  dinners  in  the  beau  monde  the  foot- 
men will  invariably  pounce  upon  your  plate 
and  run  off  with  it  before  you  have  half  fin- 
ished the  course.  Be  careful  not  to  hold  on 
to  it  like  a  despairing  mother  whose  child  is 
49 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

being  torn  from  her  arms,  as  such  scenes  at 
table  are  always  deplorable  and  harassing. 


1.N  purchasing  almond  bonbons  for  the  din- 
ner table  the  hostess  should  make  sure  to 
select  the  mauve  species.  No  one  ever  eats 
them.  A  dishful  of  the  white  variety  will 
sometimes  vanish  in  a  night,  but  the  mauve 
go  on  forever. 


DANCES 


DANCES 

IN  New  York  the  word  "  ball "  is  intended 
to  signify  a  hundred  or  so  people  who  do  not 
care  particularly  for  dancing,  who  are  pros- 
trated by  the  prospect  of  arising  early  on  the 
following  morning,  and  who  leave  their  co- 
tillion favors  untouched  and  disregarded 
upon  the  gilt  chairs  in  the  ballroom. 

The  chief  characteristics  of  a  ball  may  be 
summed  up,  briefly,  as  follows:  Mothers,  or 
"  benchwomen,"  wildly  eying  their  offspring; 
the  "  leader,"  battered  and  bruised  like  a 
half-back  in  a  football  game ;  the  hostess,  with 
her  tiara  aslant  on  her  new  false  curls;  fifty 
wilted  linen  collars;  fifty  ditto  shirts;  four 
red-faced  gentlemen  asleep  in  the  smoking 
room;  the  host  leaping  from  train  to  train 
with  the  agility  of  a  brakeman;  two  hundred 

53 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

yards  of  chiffon  ruffles  and  one  pound  of  as- 
sorted hairpins  decorating  the  floor  of  the 
ballroom;  a  deep  crowd  of  so-called  dancing 
men  who  effectually  block  the  entrance  door 
and  stand  in  a  dazed  and  awkward  group, 
spellbound  by  the  horrors  of  the  scene. 


w^% 


L  HE  valuable  checks  for  cotillion  seats  are 
usually  cornered  by  the  cotillion  leader  and 
dealt  out  to  the  most  prominent  tiaras.  The 
unhappy  ladies  who  fail  to  receive  one  of 
these  priceless  tokens  usually  pass  the  re- 
mainder of  the  evening  in  the  ultimate  row 
of  chairs  wearing  a  granite  smile  and  a  paper 
cotillion  favor. 

iwr 

WALL  flower  is  a  young  lady  at  a  dance 
who  has  not  been  cursed  with  the  fatal  gift. 
54 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

She  may  usually  be  distinguished  by  her  wild 
and  beseeching  glances.  Chloroform  is  the 
only  possible  way  of  securing  a  partner  for 
her. 


JDEFORE  putting  your  arm  around  a  lady's 
waist,  you  should  explain  to  her  that  it  is 
your  intention  to  dance.  As  the  music  starts, 
look  at  her  longingly  and  murmur  one  of  the 
following  remarks:  "  Do  you  Boston?" 
"  Rotten  floor  "  (or)  "  Bully  floor."  "  Bully 
favors  "  (or)  "  Rotten  favors." 


.tLVERY  now  and  then  a  "stand-up"  supper 
is  served  at  a  dance.  This  is  the  abomination 
of  desolation  spoken  of  by  the  prophet  Dan- 
iel. Should  a  lady  ask  you  at  such  an  enter- 
tainment to  get  her  some  supper,  push  your 

5  55 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

way  through  the  mob  of  angry  bachelors  to 
the  trough  where  the  comestibles  are  dis- 
played. Once  arrived  on  the  scene  of  car- 
nage, y°u  can  consume  a  cup  of  bouillon, 
a  few  oysters,  some  sandwiches,  a  little  chick- 
en, some  dry  champagne,  a  plate  of  salad, 
an  ice,  and  a  cup  of  coffee.  After  this,  if 
your  hunger  has  been  satisfied,  take  a  morsel 
of  galantine,  a  doily,  and  a  lady-finger,  place 
them  on  a  plate  and  force  yourself  through 
the  compact  lines  of  angry,  feeding,  perspir- 
ing "  dancing  men,"  until  you  appear  before 
your  fair  partner,  declaring  that  you  did  your 
best,  and  that  the  rest  of  the  provisions  had 
disappeared.  While  she  is  thanking  you, 
slip  away  to  the  smoking  room  and  send  the 
man  in  attendance  there  for  a  bottle  of  some 
very,  very  old  champagne.  While  he  is  gone 
you  may  busy  yourself  by  selecting  a  few  of 
the  best  cigars,  so  as  to  be  sure  to  have  some- 
thing to  smoke  on  the  way  home — in  some- 
body's cab. 

56 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

IN  giving  a  dance,  avoid,  if  possible,  send- 
ing invitations  to  bores  —  they  come  without 
them. 


/1.T  a  dance,  when  a  lady  is  talking  to  a 
millionaire  recently  arrived  from  the  West, 
he  may  offer  to  introduce  his  wife.  (This  is 
part  of  what,  in  sporting  circles,  is  known  as 
the  "  push  stroke.")  In  such  a  fix  it  is  per- 
missible for  her  to  burst  into  a  loud  fit  of 
coughing,  mention  her  weak  heart,  and  ask  a 
footman  to  call  her  carriage. 


W  HEN  a  bachelor  arrives  at  a  dance,  he 
should  at  once  repair  to  the  smoking  room 
and  remain  there  most  of  the  evening  —  call- 
ing loudly  for  all  those  wines  which  his  host 
has  neglected  to  provide. 

57 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 


NEW  and  unspeakable  horror  has  lately 
been  introduced  into  fashionable  dances  in 
New  York  —  namely,  the  "  third  supper." 
The  writer  is  glad  to  say  that  the  inventor  of 
this  atrocity  died  very  slowly  and  in  great 
pain  about  a  year  ago.  It  is  a  comfort  to 
know  that  his  last  resting  place  is  unadorned 
by  any  monument,  and  that  no  flowers  or 
shrubs  have  ever  bloomed  upon  his  grave. 


A  POPULAR  form  of  entertainment  for 
grown-up  persons  in  New  York  is  a  "  baby 
party."  Here  the  guests  are  dressed  like 
babies:  they  dance  and  have  supper,  and  are 
permitted  to  behave  like  little  children. 
These  revels  do  not  differ  from  other  forms 
of  social  festivities  in  the  metropolis — except 
as  regards  the  costumes. 
58 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

JLlANCING  men  should  have  a  care,  at  a 
ball,  never  to  be  "  stuck."  This  catastrophe 
is  usually  brought  about  by  listening  to  the 
wiles  of  a  man  who  begins  with  some  such 

remark  as  "  Do  you  know  Miss  A ?  She 

is  crazy  to  meet  you !  "  or  "  For  Heaven's 
sake,  dear  boy,  do  go  and  talk  to  that  un- 
fortunate girl  in  yellow." 

Many  an  agonized  hour  may  be  avoided 
by  turning  a  deaf  ear  to  all  such  entreaties. 
If  you  don't,  the  horror  of  your  ultimate  pre- 
dicament can  hardly  be  exaggerated.  You 
will  sit  with  her  for  hours  in  isolated  agony. 
Slowly  your  hair  will  turn  as  white  as  the 
driven  snow.  Interminable  cycles  of  time  will 
tick  themselves  away,  while  you  sit  there 
slyly  beckoning  to  other  gentlemen  who  are 
certain  to  pay  no  heed  to  your  signals. 

A  case  is  on  record,  in  England,  where  a 
gentleman,  in  such  a  position,  addressed  no 
remark  to  his  partner  for  upward  of  three 

59 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

hours.     At  this  point  she   became   aweary, 
turned,  and  found  that  he  was  —  dead! 


VERY  neat  trick  can  sometimes  be 
worked  at  a  dance.  You  have  steadily 
avoided  a  particularly  dreadful  damsel 
throughout  the  entire  evening.  When  she 
has  put  on  her  cloak  and  fur  overshoes,  and 
you  see  her  hurrying  through  the  hall  with 
her  maid,  on  her  way  to  her  carriage,  jump 
out  of  the  smoking  room  and  say: 

"  What?  Home  so  early  !  Can't  you  stay 
and  have  just  one  with  me  ?  " 

Be  careful,  of  course,  not  to  be  too  urgent, 
else  she  may  stay,  thus  hoisting  you  on  your 
own  petard. 


J.N  dancing,  unless  you  are  an  accomplished 
waltzer,    the    safest    advice    to    follow    is: 
"  Avoid  the  corners  and  keep  kicking." 
60 


mm 


a  large  ball,  the  hostess,  when  tired, 
may,  with  perfect  safety,  go  to  her  sleeping 
apartment  and  retire  for  an  hour  or  two. 
No  one  will  ever  miss  her.  When  rested 
she  can  reappear  in  the  ballroom  and,  with 
her  second  wind,  as  it  were,  enjoy  the  third 
supper,  or  the  first  breakfast. 


IN  saying  good  night  to  the  hostess,  have 
a  care  to  bestow  your  avowals  of  obligation 
in  nearly  the  same  degree  of  warmth  or  for- 
mality that  her  bearing  invites.  If,  for  in- 
stance, she  be  asleep  in  the  conservatory,  all 
among  the  begonias,  it  is  not  necessary  to 
shake  her  or  rouse  her  by  shouting :  "  Hi ! 
Wake  up,  I  want  to  go  home,"  etc.  Simply 
pass  out  noiselessly  and  remind  her  butler 
to  call  her  in  time  for  breakfast.  (See  the 
illustration,  "  Hostess.") 
61 


BRIDGE 


BRIDGE 

A  HIS  is  a  popular  pastime,  and  much  of 
the  attention  of  our  best  minds  in  high  soci- 
ety is  concentrated  upon  guessing  whether  a 
given  card  is  in  the  hand  of  the  person  on 
the  right  or  on  the  left. 

As  there  is  a  great  curiosity  among  all 
classes  of  readers  concerning  bridge,  the 
benevolent  author  has  gone  into  the  etiquette 
of  the  game  with  a  good  deal  of  thorough- 
ness. 


AN  order  to  be  an  accomplished  bridge 
player  one  must  possess  the  following  attri- 
butes : 

65 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

A  dress  suit.  (This  does  not  apply  to 
ladies.) 

A  large  roll  of  clean  bills  with  a  rubber 
band  encircling  them. 

A  cigarette  and  ash  tray. 

A  stoical,  blond  and  unimpassioned  nature. 

A  partner  —  usually  of  the  opposite  sex. 


Y  OU  may,  with  safety,  criticise  nearly 
every  play  your  fair  partner  makes.  She 
doubtless  deserves  it,  but,  as  a  rule,  this 
criticism  should  not  extend  beyond  her  faults 
as  a  player.  Try  to  remember  that  a  gentle- 
man is  one  who  never  unintentionally  insults 
anybody. 

*  ^j^ 

J3  RIDGE  should  never  be  played  seriously. 

One  should  carry  on  an  animated  conversa- 

tion during  the  course  of  play.     It  is  custo- 

66 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

mary,  too,  to  hold  the  cards  in  one  hand  and 
a  hot  buttered  muffin  in  the  other.  Get  up 
from  the  table  rather  frequently  and  tele- 
phone, receive  visitors,  give  orders  to  the 
servants,  and  pour  tea.  The  questions, 
"  Who  led  ?  "  "  What  are  trumps  ?  "  "  Is 
that  our  trick?"  etc.,  are  always  permissible, 
and  lend  some  spirit  to  what  might  otherwise 
prove  a  dull  and  taxing  game. 


JLN  playing  bridge  with  two  ladies,  a  man 
should  be  careful  to  play  "  highest  man  and 
highest  woman."  In  this  way  he  will  be  play- 
ing against  a  man,  and  his  chances  of  a  "  set- 
tlement "  will  be  a  little  less  remote.  Never 
play  with  three  ladies. 

THT 

W  HEN  you  are  dummy  and  your  partner 

has  finished  playing  the  hand,  you  should  in- 

67 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

variably  glare  at  her  (or  him)  and  make  one 
of  the  following  remarks : 

You  played  it  the  only  way  to  lose  the  odd ! 

Why,  in  Heaven's  name,  didn't  you  get 
out  the  trumps? 

You  must  lose  a  pot  of  money  at  this  game, 
don't  you? 

It's  lucky  I'm  not  playing  ten-cent  points. 

Why  not  take  your  finesse  the  other  way? 

The  eight  of  clubs  was  good,  you  know! 

Yes,  if  you  had  played  your  ace  of  dia- 
monds we  would  have  saved  it. 

It's  a  pity  you  didn't  open  the  hearts. 

^1"% 

A.S  the  leaders  of  the  Smart  Set  have  ceased 
occupying  their  brains  with  literature,  music, 
politics,  and  art — subjects  which  were,  a  long 
time  ago,  discussed  in  our  best  society — and 
as  their  entire  mental  activities  are  now 
focused  upon  the  game  of  bridge,  the  author 
68 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

has  added  for  the  further  benefit  of  his  read- 
ers a  series  of  anecdotes,  maxims,  and  expe- 
riences which  he  has  gathered  during  his 
fruitless  attempts  to  master  this  fashionable 
pastime. 


JL  HERE  was  a  lady  in  the  bean  monde 
of  New  York  who  was  not  only  a  charming 
woman  but  an  accomplished  whist  player. 
Unfortunately,  however,  she  simply  could  not 
play  fair.  Among  other  idiosyncrasies  she 
had  a  distressing  habit  of  slipping  a  high 
card  on  the  bottom  of  the,  pack,  after  the  cut 
—  this  was  in  the  days  when  she  played  old- 
fashioned  whist.  In  this  way  she  was  always 
certain  of  the  ace,  king,  or  queen  of  trumps 
when  it  was  her  turn  to  deal.  She  was  de- 
tected in  this  graceful  little  artifice  on  one  or 
two  occasions,  with  the  result  that  her  repu- 
tation suffered  a  slight  dimming  in  its  glory. 
A  few  months  ago  the  poor  lady  died  and 
69 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

a  well-known  bridge  wag  in  New  York  com- 
posed for  her  the  following  epitaph: 

"  Here  lies  Lily  Maltravers, 
In  confident  expectation  of 
The  last  trump." 


A  DELIGHTFUL  bridge  player  is  Mrs. 
R.  U.  Rich,  who,  though  stone  deaf,  still 
manages  to  understand  the  declarations,  or 
makes,  by  an  elaborate  series  of  manual  signs. 
In  playing  with  her,  if  the  make  is  a  heart, 
you  must  point  to  your  heart;  diamonds,  to 
your  ring;  spades,  you  must  make  a  shovel  of 
your  hand,  and,  when  clubs  have  been  de- 
clared, you  must  shake  your  fist  at  her.  The 
other  evening  at  a  fashionable  house  in  New 
York  she  was  playing  a  rubber  in  which  her 
husband  was  her  partner.  It  was  after  a  large 
dinner  and,  Mrs.  Rich,  having  mistaken  her 
70 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

husband's  signal,  excitedly  asked  him  what 
trump  had  been  declared.  At  this,  her  better 
half  shook  his  fist  at  her  two  or  three  times 
in  a  very  convincing  way.  An  elderly  lady, 
on  the  other  side  of  the  room,  unaware  of 
Mrs.  Rich's  infirmity,  gathered  her  dress 
about  her  and,  with  great  dignity,  begged  the 
host  to  send  for  her  carriage. 

"  Why,  Mrs.  -  —  ,"  he  said,  "  are  you 
leaving  us  so  early?" 

"  Well,"  said  the  lady  of  the  old  school, 
"  I  think  that  when  a  husband  and  wife  come 
to  blows  over  the  bridge  table  it  is  time  to 
call  the  carriages." 


A.  REDUCED  gentlewoman,  living  in  a 
small  way  in  the  suburbs,  was  at  an  employ- 
ment agency  trying  to  secure  a  cook.  As  the 
lady  and  her  husband  lived  some  distance 
from  any  neighbor,  and  as  the  wages  she 
6  71 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

could  afford  to  pay  were  meager,  the  cooks 
displayed  a  decided  unwillingness  to  assume 
the  cares  of  office. 

Finally,  to  the  great  elation  of  the  lady, 
a  very  respectable  and  well-mannered  Eng- 
lish girl  seemed  disposed  to  risk  the  rigors 
of  suburban  life.  The  searching  questions 
which  the  girl  had  put  to  the  lady  had  been 
satisfactorily  answered,  when,  at  the  very 
last,  she  asked  the  number  in  the  family,  to 
which  the  lady  replied  that  there  were  only 
two  —  herself  and  her  husband. 

"  Oh!  "  said  the  girl,  "  I  could  not  think 
of  going  into  service  with  only  three  in  the 
house.  I  would  not  work  anywhere  unless 
we  could  make  up  a  four  at  bridge." 


1J.USBANDS  and  wives  should  never  play 

partners  at  bridge.     They  are  almost  certain 

to  quarrel,  which  is  unseemly  —  and  if  they 

72 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

don't  quarrel,  their  friends  are  sure  to  sus- 
pect them  of  collusion  and  cheating. 


AT  is  a  mistake  for  parents  to  play  bridge 
on  Sunday.  The  morals  of  children  should 
ever  be  sacred  in  a  parent's  eye.  Never, 
therefore,  allow  a  card  to  be  touched  on  the 
Sabbath  —  until  the  children  have  gone  to  bed. 


inveterate  bridge  fiend  recently  pro- 
posed to  a  lady  of  some  means.  She,  doubt- 
ing his  entire  sincerity,  mentioned  his  too 
great  devotion  to  bridge.  With  a  fine  show 
of  enthusiasm  and  erudition  he  burst  out 
with: 

"  I  could  not  love  thee,  dear,  so  much, 
Loved  I  not  honors  more." 

73 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

A  HERE  is  always  a  great  deal  of  discus- 
sion among  good  bridge  players  as  to  the  pro- 
priety of  an  original  club  make — with  no 
score.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  a  big  club  hand 
is  usually  disastrous  whether  you  make  it  or 
pass  it.  You  either  leave  it  and  get  spades, 
or  else  you  don't  leave  it  and  get  the  devil. 

iwr 

JL  HERE  is  a  lady  in  New  York  society  who 
is  as  devoted  to  bridge  as  one  could  well  be. 
She  makes  everything,  except  her  two  chil- 
dren, subservient  to  the  game.  She  attends 
bridge  classes,  bridge  teas,  and  bridge  tourna- 
ments without  end.  She  is,  unfortunately, 
married  to  a  wealthy  but  worthless  and  ras- 
cally young  clubman  who  treats  her  usually 
with  indifference,  but  sometimes  with  cruelty. 
Her  friends  all  advised  her  to  sue  for  a 
divorce. 

74 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

The  poor  woman  was  in  some  doubt  as 
to  what  course  to  pursue.  Finally,  a  brilliant 
idea  occurred  to  her.  She  would  consult  her 
bridge  teacher!  He  was  the  one  man  in  all 
the  world  whose  judgment  seemed  to  her 
infallible.  She  trusted  him  more  than  she 
did  her  lawyer  or  her  minister.  He  had 
solved  so  many  difficult  problems  for  her 
that  he  might  solve  this. 

Mr.  Elstreet  was  accordingly  written  to  by 
the  unhappy  lady.  His  answer  ran  as  fol- 
lows: 

MY  DEAR  MRS. : 


I  have  very  carefully  thought  over 
the  little  problem  which  you  were  good 
enough  to  submit  to  me  for  solution. 
It  seems  to  me  that  when  you  have  a 
knave  alone,  it  is  often  a  wise  plan  to 
discard  him,  but  holding,  as  you  do,  a 
knave  and  two  little  ones,  it  would  seem 
the  better  part  of  discretion  not  to  dis- 
card him. 

I  am,  my  dear  Mrs. ,  yours,  etc. 

75 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

A  WELL-KNOWN  widow  in  London 
was  a  guest  at  a  large  house-party.  She  was 
an  enthusiastic  bridger.  She  took  the  game 
very  seriously — so  seriously  that  she  fre- 
quently dreamed  about  it,  and  even,  her  maid 
declared,  talked  about  it  in  her  sleep. 

Everybody  had  been  playing  fairly  late 
and  the  ladies  had  gone  to  their  rooms  and 
"  turned  in  "  at  about  twelve  o'clock.  The 
men  had  played  until  about  two.  Shortly 
after  this,  the  housekeeper,  in  making  her 
final  round  of  the  house,  was  startled  to 
hear  the  widow's  voice  addressing  somebody 
in  an  agonized  and  supplicating  way. 

As  the  door  of  the  widow's  room  was  ajar, 
the  housekeeper  paused  in  some  alarm,  only 
to  hear  her  call  out:  "  My  diamonds,  my 
diamonds,  why  didn't  I  protect  them?  I  am 
lost,  absolutely  lost!  " 

The  housekeeper,  not  knowing  the  intrica- 
cies of  bridge  and  thoroughly  alarmed  by  the 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

idea  of  a  burglar  in  the  widow's  room,  rushed 
to  the  host's  door  and  hastily  summoned  him 
to  the  rescue.  After  a  somewhat  noisy  con- 
sultation between  them,  as  a  result  of  which 
some  of  the  disrobing  bachelors  were  at- 
tracted to  the  scene  of  conflict,  a  united  de- 
scent was  made  upon  the  unfortunate  widow's 
stronghold.  The  net  result  of  the  sortie  was 
that  the  widow  was  greatly  annoyed,  the  host 
was  unmercifully  chaffed,  and  the  housekeeper 
received  her  first  lesson  in  bridge. 


IT  was,"  said  the  Knickerbocker  bridge 
fiend,  "  at  the  Hotel  Splendide-Royale  in 
Aix-les-Bains.  I  was  playing  twenty-cent 
points,  which  is  just  double  my  usual  limit. 
I  had  lost  six  consecutive  rubbers.  I  had  cut, 
each  rubber,  against  a  peculiarly  malevolent- 
looking  Spaniard,  who  had  a  reputation  at 

77 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

cards  which  was  none  too  savory.  There  had 
been  trouble  about  him  only  the  day  before 
at  the  Casino  des  Fleurs,  where  he  had  been 
mixed  up  in  a  somewhat  unpleasant  baccarat 
scandal.  He  was  a  crafty  and  sullen  bridge 
player  and  I  had  conceived  a  most  cordial 
dislike  to  him. 

"  Finally — it  was  hideously  late  and  the 
card-room  waiter  was  snoring  in  the  service 
closet — my  time  for  revenge  arrived.  It  was 
my  deal,  and  I  saw  at  a  glance  that  I  had 
dealt  myself  an  enormous  hand.  I  could 
hardly  believe  my  eyes.  I  held  nine  spades 
with  the  four  top  honors,  the  bare  ace  of 
clubs,  the  bare  ace  of  hearts,  and  the  king 
and  queen  of  diamonds.  Here  was  a  cer- 
tainty of  eleven  tricks  at  no  trumps  and  very 
possibly  twelve  or  thirteen.  I  looked  at  the 
Spaniard,  whose  turn  it  was  to  lead,  and  I 
smiled  exultantly. 

"  '  No  trumps,'  I  said,  the  note  of  triumph 
quite  perceptible  in  my  voice.  Quick  as  a 

78 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

flash  the  Spaniard  had  doubled — and  quick  as 
another  I  had  redoubled. 

"  When,  however,  he  had  jacked  it  up  to 
96  a  trick,  I  hesitated,  but  of  course  went  at 
him  again  with  192.  'Ah,  hal'  I  said  to 
myself,  *  Mr.  bird  of  ill  omen,  you  are  my 
prey,  my  chosen  victim  for  the  sacrifice.' 

"  The  price  per  trick  had  soon  sailed  up 
to  1,536,  and  I  ventured  to  look  at  my  part- 
ner. He  was  chalky  white  about  the  gills 
and  his  eyes  seemed  to  stare  idiotically  into 
space.  His  expression  prompted  me  to  take 
pity  on  him  and  say  *  enough.' 

"  Suddenly  I  had  a  terrible  feeling  of 
alarm.  Had  I  mistaken  the  queen  of  dia- 
monds for  the  queen  of  hearts?  If  so,  my 
king  of  diamonds  was  bare  and  the  mysterious 
Spaniard  might  run  off  twelve  diamond  tricks 
before  I  could  say  '  Jack  Robinson.'  With  a 
sinking  heart  I  looked  at  my  hand  again — 
all  was  well!  The  queen  was  surely  a  dia- 
mond. I  glanced  at  the  olive-skinned  gentle- 

79 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

man  and  begged  him  to  lead  a  card.  I  felt 
a  great  joy  welling  up  within  me. 

"  At  this  moment  the  Spaniard  led  a  card 
and  I  looked  at  it  nervously.  As  soon  as  my 
eyes  beheld  it  my  heart  seemed  to  stop  beat- 
ing. He  had  opened  the  ace  of  a  strange 
green  suit,  a  suit  which  I  had  never  seen  be- 
fore, a  suit  all  covered  with  mysterious  fig- 
ures and  symbols.  I  felt  strangely  giddy  but 
discarded  a  low  spade.  I  looked  at  my  part- 
ner, who  was  the  picture  of  despair.  He 
said,  mechanically  and  as  though  life  had 
lost  all  beauty  for  him,  '  Having  no  hyppo- 
gryphs  ? '  to  which  icy  inquiry  I  answered  in 
a  strange  whisper,  *  No  gryppolyphs.' 

"  The  leader  followed  with  another  green 
card,  a  king  this  time,  and  again  I  sacrificed 
another  beautiful  spade.  The  Spaniard 
smiled  a  mahogany  smile  and  proceeded  to 
run  off  his  entire  suit  of  thirteen  green  cards. 
He  then  nonchalantly  scored  up  a  grand  slam, 
the  game,  and  a  rubber  of  10,450  points  or 
30 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

$2,090.  I  felt  my  brain  reeling  and  fainted 
away  with  my  head  on  the  card  table.  Very 
soon,  however,  I  thought  I  felt  the  Spaniard 
tugging  at  my  coat  sleeve.  My  anger  at  this 
was  beyond  all  bounds.  I  opened  my  eyes, 
prepared  to  strike  the  crafty  foreigner  in  his 
wicked  face,  and  saw — my  servant  standing 
by  my  bed  with  my  breakfast  tray  in  his 
hands  and  my  bathrobe  on  his  arm." 


THE   THEATER 


THE   THEATER 

A.T  the  theater  it  is  smart  to  "  roast  the 
show."  Do  not  be  afraid  of  wounding  the 
feelings  of  your  host  and  hostess.  It  is  an 
even  chance  that  they  are  more  bored  than 
you.  If  the  actors  seem  to  object  to  your 
conversation  or  show  annoyance  or  impa- 
tience, try  to  remember  that  they  are  not,  as 
a  rule,  well  bred,  and  are  ignorant  of  all  the 
graceful  little  social  conventions. 


leaving  the  opera  with  ladies,  do  not 
go  into  the  draughty  side  corridors  with 
them,  or  you  will  surely  be  forced  to  look  out 
for  their  carriage,  a  tedious  and  bothersome 

85 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

occupation.  The  wisest  thing  to  do  is  to  say 
that  you  have  an  appointment,  and  merge 
yourself  with  the  rabble  who  are  leaving  by 
the  front  door,  allowing  the  ladies  to  remain 
in  the  side  corridors,  where  their  footmen 
will  sooner  or  later  discover  them. 

ijr 

JN  EVER  give  a  theater  party  in  stalls. 
Boxes  are  obligatory.  In  seats,  the  men  can- 
not go  out  for  refreshment,  and  the  ladies 
are  forced  to  remove  their  hats,  a  tragedy 
usually  accompanied  by  the  most  distressing 
and  ignominious  disclosures. 


JL/ADIES  who  have  opera  boxes  given 
them  at  the  last  moment  should  "  get  on  the 
job  "  at  once  and  offer  it  to  such  of  their 
friends  as  they  know  to  be  either  out  of  town 
86 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

or  engaged  for  that  evening.  A  box  has  been 
known,  under  such  circumstances,  to  pay  off 
a  dozen  obligations  in  a  single  day. 


IN  New  York  a  theater  party  is  often  a 
very  boring  and  tedious  form  of  revelry.  It 
is  always  wise  to  send  a  "  feeler  "  before  ac- 
cepting a  lady's  invitation  to  dine  and  go  to 
the  play.  The  following  is  a  safe  model  for 
such  a  missive: 

MY  DEAR  MRS.  VANDERGRAFT: 

How  awfully  good  of  you  to  ask  me 
for  Friday.  I  presume  we  are  dining  at 
your  house  and  not  at  a  stuffy  restaurant. 
May  I  be  very  frank  and  ask  you  what 
play  you  are  planning  to  see  ?  Might  I 
also  inquire  if  you  are  going  in  boxes  or 
seats,  and  if  you  expect  me  for  supper 
afterwards? 

On  hearing  from  you,  I  hope  to  be 

7  87 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

able  to  arrange  the  matter  to  your  entire 
satisfaction. 

My  servant  will  wait  for  your  reply. 
Sincerely  yours, 

REGINALD  GOOLD. 

P.  S. — How  many  are  coming,  and 
who  are  they  ?    Are  they  the  noisy  sort  ? 

P.  S.  No.  2. — What  ladies  are  to  sit 
beside  me  at  dinner? 


CALLING 


CALLING 

BACHELORS  no  longer  leave  or  "  push  " 
cards.  It  is  considered  provincial.  After 
dining  at  a  house,  a  man  may  think  it  policy 
to  give  the  butler  two  dollars  and  his  card. 
In  return  the  butler  will,  during  the  next  aft- 
ernoon, discreetly  slip  the  card  upon  the  tray 
in  the  hall  while  the  lady  of  the  house  is  driv- 
ing in  the  park. 


JLF  you  are  literally  forced  to  pay  a  call, 
merely  ask  the  butler  if  the  ladies  are  at  home. 
Should  he  say  "  No,"  hand  him  your  cards, 
and  your  work  is  over.  Should  he  say  "  Yes," 
pretend  to  him  that  you  have  mistaken  the 

91 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

house,  and  that  you  were  looking  for  the  resi- 
dence of  another  lady.  Slip  him  a  dollar  and 
retire  noiselessly  down  the  steps. 

&[% 

IT  is  often  well,  before  starting  out  on  a 
calling  expedition,  to  have  one's  servant  tele- 
phone to  a  dozen  or  so  mansions  to  discover 
which  of  the  ladies  are  out.  You  can  then 
leave  cards  in  these  particular  houses  with 
comparative  safety. 


OUR    COUNTRY    COUSINS 


OUR    COUNTRY    COUSINS 

VJREEN  peas  are  eaten  with  the  aid  of  a 
fork.  The  hair-raising  spectacle  of  a  gentle- 
man flicking  peas  into  his  mouth  with  a  steel 
knife  is  no  longer  fashionable,  however  dex- 
terously the  feat  may  be  performed. 

&\% 

JL  LUMS  should  be  eaten  one  by  one  and 
the  pits  allowed  to  fall  noiselessly  into  the 
half-closed  hand. 

wTw 

./iLT  dinners,  wisdom  dictates  that  it  is  wiser 
to  leave  the  terrapin,  hard  crabs,  asparagus, 
and  oranges  untasted  (unless  accustomed  to 
them  from  birth).  Be  content  to  poke  and 

95 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

pat  these  dishes  with  a  fork,  but  make  no 
effort  to  consume  them. 


A  HE  following  expressions  are  no  longer 
in  vogue  in  society:  "Pardon  my  glove," 
"  Pray  be  seated,"  "  Pleased  to  meet  you," 
"  Remember  me  to  the  folks,"  "  Pray  rest 
your  cane,"  "  Make  yourself  at  home," 
"What  name,  please?"  "Are  you  the 
party?"  "Say,  listen,"  "My  gentleman 
friend,"  "  Usen't  you?"  etc. 


JLJO  not  address  your  wife  as  "  mother. 


V-J  LIVES  are  eaten  with  the  thumb  and 
forefinger  of  the  right  hand.    It  is  not  neces- 


sary  to  peel  them,  and  the  pits  should  usu- 
ally be  rejected. 


JL/O  not,  when  your  mouth  is  filled  with 
sweet  potatoes,  red  bananas,  pressed  saddle  of 
lamb,  or  other  solid  provisions,  attempt  to 
discuss  the  topics  of  the  day  with  the  ladies 
at  the  feast. 


JL  N  using  a  finger  bowl,  simply  dip  the  index 
finger  into  the  fluid  and  pass  it  lightly  over 
the  lips. 

Make  no  effort  to  consume  the  floating 
lemon,  and  try  to  restrain  yourself  from 
splashing  about  in  the  bath,  like  a  playful 
walrus  or  a  performing  seal. 


W  HEN  a  rich  Westerner  arrives  in  New 
York   and   begins  breaking   into   society,    it 

97 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

should  be  a  pleasure  for  everybody  to  show 
him  little  courtesies  and  attentions.  New 
York  gentlemen  usually  do  this  by  borrow- 
ing money  from  him,  marrying  his  daughters, 
riding  his  polo  ponies  (or  selling  him  theirs), 
drinking  his  wine,  cruising  about  on  his  yacht, 
smoking  his  cigars,  and  selling  him  blocks  of 
their  worthless  stocks. 


A  HE  last  morsel  of  green  turtle  in  a  soup 
plate  is  always  a  heart-breaking  thing  at  best. 
Remember  that,  though  enticing,  it  is  elusive. 
Do  not  chivy  it  about  in  frantic  circles  or 
pursue  it  untiringly  around  your  plate  until 
you  have  captured  and  subdued  it.  Turtle 
soup  and  Indian  pig-sticking  are  not  governed 
by  the  same  rules. 

&^^ 

W  HEN  you  sit  down  at  table,  it  is  not 

necessary  to  whisk  the  napkin  gayly  about  be- 

98 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

fore  unfolding  it.  The  concealed  roll  is  cer- 
tain to  fly  a  considerable  distance  before 
alighting,  and  may  even  crack  the  enameling 
on  one  of  the  great  ladies  at  the  banquet. 


MILLIONAIRES  of  the  Chester  A. 

Arthur  or  Rutherford  B.  Hayes  vintage 
should  pass  rapidly  through  their  ancient 
mansions  and  demolish  the  following  objects 
of  art  and  vertu  : 

The  twin  conch  shells,  for  fireside  use; 
the  embroidered  wall  mottoes;  imitation 
wax  flowers  —  under  glass;  ebony  and  gold 
whatnots;  velvet  antimacassars  f  all  crayon 
portraits  —  whether  pendant  or  on  gold  easels  ; 
party-colored  crazy  quilts;  all  magenta  pic- 
ture sashes;  plush  photograph  albums;  red 
worm  lamp-mats;  turkish  cozy  corners,  with 
hanging  red  lamps,  imitation  spears,  and 
rusty  armor;  black  hair  sofas;  hanging  ten- 

99 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

nis  racquets  ornamented  with  red  bows ;  fold- 
ing beds;  cuckoo  clocks  and  paper  weights 
containing  miniature  paper  snowstorms. 

After  destroying  these  knickknacks,  they 
should  pass  out  on  the  steps  and  adjacent 
lawn  spaces  and  demolish  the  iron  dogs,  cop- 
per fauns,  and  the  bed  of  snowdrops  spelling 
out  the  mansion's  fantastic  name — "  Slope- 
oak,"  "  Munnysunk,"  "  Sewerside,"  or  any 
name  in  which  the  following  popular  "  B  " 
forms  are  included:  Brae,  Blythe,  By-the, 
Buena,  Bel,  Bonnie,  Beau,  Bourne. 


NEWPORT 


NEWPORT 

JL  HE  correct  treatment  of  a  foreigner  in 
Newport  is  to  gush  over  him,  praise  him  to 
your  friends,  and  invite  him  to  your  enter- 
tainments. This  course  may  be  pursued  for 
one  week.  After  that,  treat  him  with  great 
reserve  and  coolness  for  the  same  period  of 
time.  At  the  beginning  of  the  third  week 
you  should  abuse  him  roundly,  and  take  pains 
to  recite  the  hidden  and  secret  passages  of  his 
past.  Advice  for  the  fourth  week  is  unnec- 
essary :  they  never  last  more  than  three. 


bathing  at  Newport  is  often  injurious 
to  the  health,  as  in  the  case  of  those  ladies 
8  103 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

whose  figures  are  a  trifle  too  meagre — or  too 
ample.  To  such  sirens  the  doctor  is  sure  to 
forbid  it.  Where,  however,  the  outlines  are 
visually  "  grateful  and  comforting,"  the  exer- 
cise is  certain  to  prove  beneficial  and  bracing. 
In  all  Newport  there  are  about  a  dozen 
ladies  whose  physicians  have  no  such  preju- 
dices against  open  air,  salt  water  bathing. 


JLJAKOTA  divorces  are  still  a  good  deal 
frowned  upon  in  the  beau  monde.  Try  to 
remember  that  only  Rhode  Island  divorces 
are  comme  il  faut.  (The  Newport  variety 
is  far  smarter  than  the  Providence  or  Bristol 
brand.)  Dakota  divorces  are  a  trifle  cheaper 
and  more  expeditious,  but  it  should  be  borne 
in  mind  that  the  climate  of  Sioux  Falls  is 
very  variable  and  that  the  hotels  and  theaters 
are,  to  say  the  least,  indifferent. 
104 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

MILLIONAIRES  from  the  West  whose 
wives  are  bent  upon  breaking  into  society  at 
any  cost,  should  not  try  Newport  until  the 
simpler  safes  have  been  cracked.  Newport  is 
the  water  jump  of  the  social  steeplechase,  and 
should  not  be  taken  until  the  easier  gates  have 
been  successfully  negotiated.  The  safest 
graded  order  of  jumps  is  as  follows : 

1.  PALM  BEACH.  Not  exclusive,  but 

merry,  sumptuous, 
and  expensive. 
Chance  to  meet 
many  smart  men 
in  the  gambling 
rooms. 

2.  HOT  SPRINGS,  VA.        Depressing,      but 

many  "  classy"  in- 
valids. 

3.  NARRAGANSETT  PIER.  Geographically 

speaking,    this    is 
nearly    Newport, 
105 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 


4.  THE  BERKSHIRES. 


5.  TUXEDO. 


6.  LONG  ISLAND. 


but  the  social  tone, 
though  "nobby," 
can  hardly  be 
called  Ai. 
Dull  and  dowdy, 
but  full  of  genteel 
old  families  in  re- 
duced  circum- 
stances who  are 
willing  to  unbend 
— if  properly  pro- 
pitiated. 

Excellent  oppor- 
tunities here,  par- 
ticularly in  the 
Tuxedo  jiggers 
and  at  the  club  on 
rainy  days,  when 
a  fourth  is  needed 
at  bridge. 
This  is  the  Tat- 
tenham  Corner  of 


106 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

the  social  Derby 
—  (many  bad 
falls  here — due  to 
riding  too  hard) 
— the  last  great 
turn  before  the 
finish.  (Try 
Hempstead, 
Westbury,  and 
Roslyn  —  in  or- 
der.) 

7.  NEWPORT.  Having  finally 

reached  Newport, 
be  very  careful 
about  the  pace. 
Begin  cautiously 
with  Bellevue 
Avenue  and  the 
casino.  Gradually, 
however,  you  may 
hit  up  the  pace 
and  try  the  golf 
107 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

club,  Bailey's 
Beach,  and,  final- 
ly, you  may  dash 
past  the  judge's 
stand  and  weigh 
in  at  Ochre  Point. 

wj% 

,/\.T  Newport  the  hostess  usually  retires  at 
about  1.30.  This  should  be  the  signal  for 
all  the  bachelors,  diplomats,  and  foreigners 
who  are  stopping  with  her,  to  ask  the  but- 
ler for  carriages  and  motors  to  convey  them 
to  Canfield's  (a  fashionable  roulette  and 
chicken-salad  parlor). 


^y^ 


BACHELOR  stopping  with  friends  in 
Newport  should  never  lunch  or  dine  in  their 
house.     It  is  more  jaunty  to  dine  out.     If 
108 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

they  are  truly  considerate,  they  will  supply 
him  with  red  morocco  "  in-and-out "  signs 
which  he  can  manipulate,  in  accordance  with 
his  engagements,  in  the  entrance  hall. 

After  a  week  or  so,  if  he  has  not  yet  seen 
his  host  or  hostess  and  is  preparing  to  leave 
Newport,  it  is  sometimes  thoughtful  and 
kind  to  send  a  card  up  to  their  rooms  by  a 
servant,  thanking  them  for  their  hospitality. 


GENERAL    RULES 


GENERAL    RULES 

W  EDDING  receptions  are  usually  held 
in  small  private  houses  holding  anywhere 
from  one  hundred  to  two  hundred  guests. 
It  is  customary  to  invite  sixteen  hundred  peo- 
ple, six  hundred  of  whom  arrive  and  three 
hundred  of  whom  usually  remain  wedged  for 
hours  upon  the  stairs  in  a  bewildering  sea  of 
picture  hats,  lobster  salad,  smilax,  rice,  and 
lady  fingers. 


A.FTER  a  funeral  it  is  customary  for  the 
family  to  supply  a  few  extra  carriages  in 
which  the  pallbearers  and  mourners  go  to 
the  burial  ground.  After  this  ceremony  the 
bachelor,  who  has  availed  himself  of  one  of 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

the  vehicles,  may,  with  propriety,  ask  the 
driver  to  take  him  to  his  rooms;  but  it  is  a 
gross  breach  of  good  form  to  keep  the  car- 
riage on  (at  the  family's  expense)  for  call- 
ing, going  to  the  play,  or  driving  to  Belmont 
Park  for  the  races. 


AN  thanking  friends  for  wedding  presents, 
it  is  well  to  remember  that  nearly  all  of  them 
will  have  to  be  exchanged.  Lay  your  plans 
accordingly.  Do  not  thank  anybody  until  you 
have  bunched  the  duplicates. 

Let  us  assume,  for  instance,  that  the  sev- 
enteen traveling  clocks,  forty-eight  candle- 
sticks, eleven  porcelain  parasol  handles,  fifty- 
one  cut-glass  salad  bowls,  thirteen  fans,  and 
eighty-four  silver  teapots  have  all  been  gath- 
ered together  in  convenient  groups.  At  this 
point  the  bride-to-be  may  dictate  an  appro- 
priate "  teapot  "  letter  to  her  secretary.  This 
114 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

note  will  do  for  all  the  teapots.    The  follow- 
ing is  a  graceful  example  of  such  an  epistle: 

MY  DEAR : 


The  teapot  is  too  ravishing.  What 
an  angel  you  are !  I  simply  adore  it. 
Oddly  enough,  it  was  the  very  thing  I 
had  longed  and  prayed  for. 

Yours  ever, 
BLANCHE. 

P.  S.  —  Where     did     you      say     you 
bought  it? 


W  HEN  a  lady  calls  you  up  on  the  tele- 
phone, and  seems  disposed  to  run  on  forever, 
simply  hang  up  the  receiver  and  go  on  with 
your  cigar.  If  she  calls  up  again  to  com- 
plete the  conversation,  tell  your  servant  to 
say  that  you  were  disgusted  with  the  way  the 
central  girl  cut  you  off  and  have  gone  to  the 
telephone  company  to  lodge  a  complaint. 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

JjE  careful  to  remember  that  the  lady 
always  bows  first.  On  some  occasions  it 
is  difficult  to  determine  whether  the  fast- 
approaching  queen  of  fashion  is  going  to 
bow  or  not.  Should  you  be  walking  down  the 
avenue  with  another  man,  proceed  as  follows: 
Look  at  her  and  exclaim  gladly:  "  Why,  how 
do  you  do — "  Should  she  freeze,  or  cut 
you,  you  have  but  to  turn  to  your  friend  and 
complete  your  remark  by  adding — "  that 
little  trick  you  showed  me  yesterday?" 

Thus,  it  may  appear  to  him  that  your  re- 
mark was  meant  to  be  a  continuous  one,  hav- 
ing to  do  with  some  feat  of  legerdemain,  and 
he  will  fail  to  notice  the  snub  which  has  been 
so  cruelly  inflicted  upon  you. 


^1^ 

JTROPOSALS    by    women,    while    permis- 
sible, are  not  customary,  and,  although  they 
116 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

are  yearly  becoming  more  and  more  popular, 
are  still  regarded  as  an  innovation.  If  the 
proposal  is  rejected,  good  taste  and  kindly 
consideration  demand  that  the  gentleman 
should  keep  it  more  or  less  of  a  secret. 

It  is,  of  course,  not  always  easy  for  a  gen- 
tleman to  know  when  he  has  been  definitely 
proposed  to.  Women's  ways  are  sometimes 
devious  and  obscure.  Roughly  speaking,  it 
is  a  proposal,  or  its  equivalent,  when  a  lady 
throws  her  head  upon  his  breast  and  bursts 
into  a  passionate  flood  of  tears. 


JL  HE  duties  of  a  valet  in  a  country  house 
are  as  follows: 

1 i )  Talking  and  snickering  to  the  house- 
maids in  the  hallways. 

(2)  Purloining  little  keepsakes  from  the 
portmanteaus  of  the  visitors. 

117 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

(3)  Bouncing  into  the  bachelors'   rooms 
one  hour  before  they  wish  to  be  wakened,  in 
order  to  build  fires,  close  bureau   drawers, 
misinform  them  about  the  weather,  and  take 
away  dress  coats  and  trousers. 

(4)  Laying  out  clothes  in  the  morning. 
In  doing  this  they  usually  exhibit  a  highly 
trained  color  sense,  selecting  as  the  smartest 
combination  of  apparel  a  blue  shirt,  brown 
socks,   lilac  handkerchief,   green  tie,   and  a 
yellow  waistcoat. 

(5)  Standing  in  a  conspicuous  position  in 
the  main  hallway  on  Monday  morning,  which 
is  always  the  period  of  largess  and  plenty. 

(6)  Wrapping  up  muddy  boots  in  black 
evening  trousers. 

(7)  Perhaps,   however,   their   most  bliss- 
ful moment  is  when,  knowing  that  you  have 
one  more  evening  before  you,  they  take  your 
only  remaining  white   shirt,    fold   it   into   a 
sausage-shaped    roll,    and   hurl    it    into    the 
soiled-linen  basket. 

118 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

A  MOVEMENT  is  on  foot  in  polite  so- 
ciety to  revise  the  barbarous  wedding  anni- 
versaries as  at  present  regulated,  as  modern 
marriages  seldom  last  long  enough  to  cele- 
brate them.  It  is  proposed,  therefore,  to  call 
the  first  anniversary  the  tin,  the  second  the 
silver,  the  third  the  gold,  as  marriages  in 
society  are  only  contracted,  on  one  side  or 
the  other,  for  the  attainment  of  these  several 
commodities. 


W  HEN  ladies  are  introduced  to  one  an- 
other, they  should  remain  rigid  and  calm  and 
evince  no  interest  in  the  proceeding.  Their 
necks  should  be  stiff  and  their  heads  thrown 
back  —  like  cobras  about  to  strike. 


a  wedding  it  is  not  customary  for  the 
best  man  to  kiss  the  bride.     Should  the  occa- 
9  119 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

sion  seem,  however,  to  call  for  such  an  act, 
he  should  be  careful  only  to  deliver  a 
"  Sweeper."  A  "  Dweller  "  may  alone  be 
administered  by  the  groom. 

^|w 

A  BACHELOR  should  supply  the  tele- 
phone girl  at  his  office  with  a  list  of  ladies 
to  whom  he  is  always  "  out."  On  a  select 
list  he  will  write  the  names  of  five  or  six  ladies 
who  entertain  delightfully  and  to  whom  he 
is  always  "  in." 


JL  N  introducing  two  people  show  no  sign  of 
emotion  whatever.  Merely  look  from  one  to 
the  other  in  a  vague,  listless  sort  of  way,  and 
murmur  their  names  very  swiftly  and  very 
faintly.  It  is,  of  course,  bad  form  to  intro- 
duce at  all,  but,  if  put  to  it,  proceed  as  above. 
1  20 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

J\.T  Christmas  time  a  married  man  should 
make  certain  to  tip  the  telephone  boy  at  his 
club.  If  the  lad  is  clever  enough  to  recog- 
nize the  voice  of  the  member's  wife,  at  the 
other  end  of  the  telephone,  he  should  receive 
ten  dollars.  If  he  recognizes  other  female 
voices  as  wellj  he  should  receive  twenty. 


A  CHIVALROUS  husband  should  always 
try,  by  kindly  acts  and  little  courtesies,  to  in- 
gratiate himself  in  his  wife's  affections.  It  is, 
for  instance,  selfish  of  him  to  return  from  his 
office  to  his  home  before  dressing  time. 

He  should  remember  that  the  hours  be- 
tween 4.15  and  7.15  are  her  hours.  In  this 
brief  space  she  will  probably  wish  to  pour 
tea,  entertain  male  visitors,  play  bridge,  buy 
jewelry,  take  a  nap,  or  have  her  hair  "  mar- 
celled," and  the  husband  should  always  con- 
121 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

sider  her  feelings  during  this  trying  part  of 
the  day.  He  may  solace  himself  by  remem- 
bering that  the  sitting  rooms  of  other  ladies 
are  always  open  to  him  during  these  hours. 
If  not,  he  can  always  go  to  the  steam  room 
at  a  Turkish  bath,  or  drop  in  at  the  "  Plaza  " 
and  hear  the  nouveaux  riches  drink  tea. 


JL  N  motoring,  avoid  running  over  hens,  dogs, 
and  Italian  children.  They  are  almost  cer- 
tain to  stick  up  the  wheels. 


CHURCH-GOING  is  no  longer  considered 
fashionable.  If  a  lady  finds  that  she  must 
attend  church,  it  is  a  wise  precaution  to  take 
a  little  child  with  her.  This  will  not  only 
make  a  good  impression  but  will  give  her 

122 


MANNERS  for  the  METROPOLIS 

an  excellent  excuse   for  leaving  before  the 
sermon. 


W  HEN  you  are  northbound  and  a  lady 
bows  to  you  from  a  southbound  brougham, 
do  not  trouble  to  lift  your  hat.  Merely  raise 
your  arm  halfway  to  your  head,  as  the  vehi- 
cle will  have  passed  in  a  moment  and  your 
failure  to  bow  is  certain  to  remain  unnoticed. 


ALWAYS  be  half  an  hour  late  for  every- 
thing.    Nothing  is  so  tedious  as  waiting. 


THE   END 


UCSB  LIBRARY 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A     000610992     0 


Unr 
S 


